By Tara Brach, PhD
In June to July 2019, I took a free 8-week online course on Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (found here). I was looking for a way to be less stressed. While I was exercising well for me and eating right for me, my world view was negative. I was unwittingly causing pain to others, and I wasn’t doing myself any favors either.
While taking the course, the instructor often referred to Tara Brach and her work as a meditation instructor and psychologist. I did some research, read a few articles, and found her book, Radical Acceptance.
While the author doesn’t delve specifically into mindfulness explicitly, she does delve into one specific aspect of mindfulness that deals with being aware of your feelings and emotions as it relates to what she calls the Trance of Unworthiness.
Brach explains how we’re sabotaging ourselves, how to recognize that self-sabotage, and what to do next. The stories she provides, some from her life and others from clients, provide vivid, relatable context.
At first, I was resistant to read the book. I was afraid of what I would learn about myself, and that perhaps I would love myself even less or that I wasn’t worth being loved in the first place. There was also a part of me that wondered if I was smart enough to understand the book, much less apply it to my life. As I learned (as I finally pushed through my fears), these are classic examples of self-sabotage and what she calls The Trance of Unworthiness.
“When we are caught in the trance of unworthiness, we do not clearly recognize what is happening inside us, nor do we feel kind.” (page 27)
It was as if, for the first time, I had some context to what I was experiencing. She explained how we blind ourselves and don’t realize it.
Think of it this way: Instead of accepting someone for their abuse or actions towards you, you shift the focus to the mistreatment or actions. Look at how you’re reacting to the activities and allow whatever happens to come through. Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling – even if it’s nothing.
“What would it be like if I could accept life – accept this moment – exactly as it is?” Once I started allowing the feelings, one of two things happened. I could continue to resist or push away the negativity, or I can soften my heart and allow. For me, this became the foundation of self-compassion.
In each chapter, Brach explains how to recognize resistance or attachment to a situation or emotions. She showed how to allow and love yourself. Through the use of stories, she transformed the heavy topics into digestible lessons.
Brach provided a variety of tools to help you recognize when you’re stuck, resisting, or self-sabotaging. She also goes through various aspects of life and circumstances – from loving yourself, loving others, and loving your body.
At one point in the book, I came to a section that put into words what I had felt and didn’t think anyone else understood or felt the same. I sobbed as I read Chapter 5, Coming Home to Our Body, and read the following:
“When we abandon our body for our fear-driven stories about pain, we trap the pain in our body.” (Page 107)
One of her clients described how she felt when she got close to others, and I nearly screamed: “I feel that, too!”
“Rosalie assumed that anyone who appeared to like her really just wanted to take advantage of her.” (page 109)
I have felt this way about people, especially when involved romantically. In the past, I thought I couldn’t say “No” to what someone wanted. I wondered to myself if I have kept the weight on my body so people wouldn’t like me and give me space. Have I created a barrier with this body so that I don’t have to say no?
After finishing this chapter, emotions and feelings flowed and raged. My mind became a mess of negative talk. Using the guided meditation that Brach provided, I was able to recognize what was happening, faced it with compassion, and allowed whatever happened next to flow through me. Afterward, I felt so loved and heard.
Learning or relearning to accept myself, nurture self-compassion, and understand what I’m feeling and experiencing have helped to deepen my mindfulness and self-compassion practices. Brach provided guided meditations and exercises to reinforce the concepts presented in each chapter. By the end of the book, I was able to incorporate these meditations and exercises into my regular mindfulness practice.
In the past several months, I have used the guided meditations to help soften my hard edges. There are times when I forget to be kind to myself, and I fall into the Trance of Unworthiness. I would catch myself and take a few moments to use one of the meditations or simply allow what was happening to happen without judgment. I also used my journal to walk through what I felt and explored the impact of those feelings. Sometimes, I was able to find the source or the root of the issue. While other times, I was able to have a conversation within my writing about what’s going on and wrap myself in compassion.
One day, many years ago, I had another horrible day at work. My first husband, Don, listened attentively as I, once again, talked about how unhappy I was at my job. My co-workers were annoying. My bosses were ignorant of the impact of their decisions. I felt ineffective in my job. After I spurted out my hatred, Don said, “It’s interesting you choose to think that way.” I blurted, “How else am I supposed to think?” He smiled and replied, “Exactly. That’s the question.”
That bewildered me. I thought that this was how life was supposed to be. You had to get a full-time job at some big corporation, get health insurance, and get the life sucked out of you. You went home each night, complained about it, drank some wine (sometimes a lot of wine), and then got up the next morning to repeat the endeavor.
I went through a paradigm shift after that comment. I realized that we get to choose how we think. We get to choose how we react. We get to choose how to live our lives. I want to show people how to think differently. Brach put is as the following:
“Feeling compassion for ourselves in no way releases us from the responsibility for our actions. Rather, it releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance.” Page 207
Once I released the hatred and fear wrapped around my job, I felt empowered, balanced, and focused. I was able to let go of my expectations about how life should be and figure out what I wanted it to be.
“We we become the holder of our own sorrows, our old roles as judge, adversary, or victim are no longer being fueled. In their place, we find not a new role, but a courageous openness and a capacity for genuine tenderness not only for ourselves but for others as well.” Page 204
That is what I want to teach others. The tools, meditations, and exercises helped lay a foundation of how to communicate this to others in a meaningful and impactful manner. As I begin to teach mindfulness and self-compassion to others, I want to share some of the tools, stories, meditations from this book that can help make the person aware and decide how they would like to proceed with a clearer mind.